day fourtyone

07/04/2009 at 11:54 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

i’ve been dreading this post.  i haven’t written it because, i’m ashamed.  i made a promise to myself.  i made a commitment.  and, i couldn’t even keep that.  i’m so disappointed in me.  in case you hadn’t guessed it, i didn’t workout today.  i really dont have an excuse.  it was a holiday, i was relaxing and having fun.  i went to a barbeque, baseball game, and saw fireworks.  it was a fun day.  but, in all honesty, i could have worked out.  i had the whole morning to do it.  it was an hour out of my day, but i didn’t do it.  i feel horrible about that.  all i can do is jump back on the horse and keep going.  beating myself up is not going to make it better.  and, if the past is any indication, it’s just going to make me quit all together.

so, enough, monday is the start of a new week and the continuation of my workouts.  here we go…


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07/02/2009 at 6:11 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

why am i ashamed to be working out and trying to be healthier?  i started working out a few minutes ago, and then i noted the time.  i realized that it was probable people would be home before i was finished and that made me embarassed, so i stopped.  i have been using the excuse that “i’m working” to exercise in my office without people bothering me for the past two months.  i then stay locked up until i’m not sweating or beat red to eliminate all the evidence.  what’s wrong with me?  why can’t i just admit that i’m doing something, and deal with the reactions?  i know the reactions are going to be supportive and nice, but even that makes me cringe.  i would rather just do it in secret.  this is the same as when i actually start losing weight and people comment, i get all weird and deflect any compliments.  i dont really understand myself.  but, for right now, at least i know that it’s not stopping me.  i’ve managed to do the workouts and eat better without detection from others.  but, how long will i be able to do this?  how long will i have to live my life in secret?  how long will i let this ridiculous anxiety get the best of me?

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